Let Her Go
by sojunari
Summary: Castiel is in love with Jana, feelings he wasn't even aware he was capable of, but he doesn't want her caught in the crossfire of his battles. Cutting her off feels like the hardest thing he's ever done, maybe even harder than rebelling heaven, especially when Jana returns his feelings. Someday, when all of this is over, Castiel thinks, he'll do right by her.
1. Part One

Castiel is in love with Jana, feelings he wasn't even aware he was capable of, but he doesn't want her caught in the crossfire of his battles. Cutting her off feels like the hardest thing he's ever done, maybe even harder than rebelling heaven, especially when Jana returns his feelings. Someday, _when all of this is over_ , Castiel thinks, he'll do right by her. 

_"You see her when you close your eyes,_

 _maybe one day you'll understand why_

 _everything you touch surely dies"_

Jana is a hunter who's partnered with the Winchesters numbers of times. She's been there for ghosts, vampires, The Roadhouse, and werewolves. She's seen hell break loose and helped slam the door on it. She's been along for rabbit's feet and missing shoes, pagan gods, and men who just wouldn't die. Jana is a part of it all, long before Dean crawls out of the ground and a righteous blue eyed angel claims to have work for them.

Somewhere along the lines of vengeful spirits, demons, and fallen angels Jana finds herself becoming fond of the socially inept tree topper. He's strong, he's brave, he tries his best to do what he believes is right. A path that leads him to doubt. To deceit, and punishment, and being ripped out of his skin and reducated.

Jana has this deep seeded fondness for Jimmy Novak. He's nothing like Castiel, not in mannerisms at least. It's surreal seeing him, the angel she likes to watch from the corner of her eye. Who's face ranges mostly in stages of stoic or serene, occasionally confused, even less frequently angry. Except this isn't Castiel, it was never Castiel. Jimmy Novak is the equivalent of his _sunday's best_ , a suit that Castiel has to don. His true visage would burn her eyes out. Jana's heart bleeds for Jimmy Novak. He's a good man, _was_ a good man, if he even exists any longer. She can never quite look at Castiel the same after that, because in the back of her mind she sees Jimmy Novak's desperation, his sacrifice. Castiel wears it every day.

That goes forgotten quickly enough. There are more pressing matters, with Ruby's trickery, Lilith's death, and Lucifer Rising. She'd seen this coming or she likes to believe that. Sam is a good man. Always the right intentions, never the right timing, or something like that. They don't have the luxury to worry about lies or demon blood or Castiel wearing a human being as a fucking skin suit because the whole world is going to hell and the angels are in on it. They lose so much along the way that each and everyone of them wonder if any of it is worth it, if they're making mistakes, if they could change destiny even though _Dean had seen in, had lived it, had walked in it._

They learn that not even God is on their side. Her angel- when had he become hers?- takes that _hard_. He tries not to let them see it, but his consumption of an entire liqour store makes it clear enough. Jana sits next to him, shoulders touching, and gives him a bottle of aspirin. She doesn't say much of anything, but she let's him lean ever so lightly against her and she notes the weight of the world that he carries on his shoulders. He used to be so proud, so sure of everything. Watching him bend under the weight of their looming future is difficult, she wishes she could lighten the load. But all she can do is place her hand on his arm and will him to feel what she feels, wills to ease his heavy heart.

She doesn't know it then, but that touch is comforting. Castiel revels in it, long after her fingertips leave his sleeve and she's no longer sitting beside him. Much later he wakes up in agonizing pain, shockingly mortal, in a hospital and he longs for Jana. The strikingly emotion is stronger than anything he's ever felt and he wonders if it's because he's human in that moment. During his bus ride he thinks of her endlessly, preparing once again to possibly give his life. Regret strikes him in that moment, that he should have given more of his time to her, that if they live through this, he'll tell her everything. Even if he isn't exactly sure what there was to tell, he's new to this whole human emotion thing. Castiel doesn't have the opportunity to ever say it though, between Pestilence, Death, and Lucifer they're all hands on deck. But when they ride into Detroit she sits beside him in the backseat, fingers tangled with his and fear bleeding from her every pore. He wants to tell her then, but what are the words?

Lucifer rips him from existence in that battle field, snaps Bobby and Jana's necks. And, _someone_ puts Castiel back together again. He stands over her lifeless form and in that moment he knows he will never tell her those words. That it will _never_ be over, that they can _never_ be together. Not in the way normal humans can.

This is her chance, he tells himself. That she and Dean will find average, mortal lives and live on outside the constant war of angels. That the future Dean had seen was gone. Where Sam is The Devil, where Castiel is only an echo of his former self, where he and Jana are lovers, where Croats rip her from him, and he buries her in the cold ground. All of it is rewritten. She will live now, even if it will never be with him at her side.

Castiel returns to Heaven a champion, a legend. Only to find a new battle awaits him, one he doesn't think he can win on his own. Siding with Crowley isn't smart and he _knows_ that, goes to Dean to seek out help and he realizes that he can't ask it of him. Sees Dean in his normal, mediocre, mortal life and he's _happy_. Castiel won't take that from him, Dean's given enough. He sees Jana, just once. She's working at a outdoor/sporting goods store, she has friends, she looks happy. And, so he takes the King of Hell up on his wager. After all, they say the road to hell is paved with good intentions, and at the beginning he thinks he won't be tricked by the likes of Crowley. Castiel is wrong.

Along the way he loses himself. Stops seeing his goals clearly, let's pride and arrogance- possibly even greed- guide him. Sam has no soul, Dean leaves Ben and Lisa, Jana is hunting again. He'd never meant for things to turn out this way, but he's gone too far to turn back now. Sometimes he has these brief moments of clarity in his constant storm and in those moments he thinks of her. Of when he wasn't leading a rebellion, of when she laughed at things he'd said, when she would explain Dean's references, when she wouldn't patiently teach him human tasks. Castiel finds his strength, his motivation, in knowing that no matter what decisions he's made that Sam is not Lucifer and Jana is not a corpse he brings flowers to everyday. He won't let his brothers and sisters start the apocolypse again, no matter the cost.

He tells himself that when he finally gets caught. Believes with all of his being that everything he's done, everything he will do, has been for them. For Jana, and Sam, and Dean. Castiel tells them as much. He tells himself that when he tricks Crowley, when he kills Raphael, when he becomes the new God.

All the souls from Purgatory make him feel renewed, he's no longer an angel, he's _God_. He will do a much better job than his father did. He will eliminate all that threatens his goals and all that hide behind the name of God to do evil. Castiel truly believes that what he's doing is right, is good. But, there's still the emptiness that not even the millions of souls can fill. He closes his eyes and he sees her, kneeling before him back in that lab. But it isn't out of loyalty, it's out of fear. He sees Jana's face, lost and terrified, looking at him like she doesn't know him anymore. The emptiness grows and even the weight of monsters' souls and leviathans can't fill it.

When he goes to them, pleading for help, that fear is still present in her eyes, but it's for a different reason. "Don't die, you stupid tree topper." She chides, as she steadies him. Her voice holds such raw, tangible emotion that Castiel feels so ashamed. Why can't he ever do anything right? If he doesn't die, he swears he'll do right by them, by her this time. The Leviathans don't let him keep that promise either.

For months Castiel is gone and Jana doesn't know what the hell to do with herself. Every time they save the world, it finds another way to turn itself to shit. She can no longer see the point in any of it. The brothers notice her immediate onset depression after Castiel disintegrates into the water supply leaving nothing but his trenchcoat behind. They keep it, because part of Dean believes that Cas will come back, and Sam knows that if they toss it Jana will lose her damn mind. She doesn't think he's coming back. Castiel is dead, The Old Ones ripped him apart. She feels helpless like there's no point to any of it, but she buckles down when Sam's condition takes a turn for the worst and they take off on another wild goose chase for miracles.

The real miracle though, is Castiel- or Emmanuel, as he's going by- _alive_. Married and amnesiac, but _alive_. She swallows the jealousy and the urge to crush him to her, and sits in the backseat awkwardly as he and Dean exchange uncomfortable conversation. Jana doesn't care, about his wife, his memory loss, the souls, the betrayal, any of it. Cas is alive and she would give her soul, a thousand times, to have him there in the Impala with them. Even when he says, "Your friend's name was Cas? That's an odd name."

For a brief moment Jana sees the Castiel from the start. Good, righteous, all-powerful. She loves him more in that moment than she ever has before, even though he's blasting demons left and right. If she'd expected him to say anything moving to her when he regains his memories, she's disappointed. Because he only stares at her intensely, informing her and Dean that he remembers everything. That he's going to make it right. And, he does, but none of them knew that _right_ meant taking on Sam's memories of hell. The Castiel that Sam and Dean leave her with is but a shell of the angel she'd known.

He comes to the same night of a suspicious storm, almost as if something had set him off, but when he speaks to her it's not Castiel, not _her_ Castiel. Though he seems to remember who he is, he's lost in his interest of observing honeybees. He tells her many odd things, an endless supply of random unrelated nature facts. Cute as it may be, something is very, very wrong. Jana calls the Winchesters immediately.

As if they didn't already have enough on their plates with the Leviathans, there comes a prophet, a frightened high school student named Kevin, who doesn't deserve to get tangled up in all this.

Castiel doesn't want to fight, but he sees Sam and Dean, and Jana and realizes that their world hangs in the balance again and this time it's _his fault_. Even with hell buzzing in his brain like bees, he realizes they need him, _cursed or not_.


	2. Part Two - Final

Castiel is in love with Jana, feelings he wasn't even aware he was capable of, but he doesn't want her caught in the crossfire of his battles. Cutting her off feels like the hardest thing he's ever done, maybe even harder than rebelling heaven, especially when Jana returns his feelings. Someday, _when all of this is over_ , Castiel thinks, he'll do right by her.

(A/N: I decided to switch around the order a little bit here in the case of season 8, episode 23 "Sacrifice". In the show, Abaddon before Crowley and Sam have their little heart to heart. Here, Crowley and Sam have already exchanged conversation and the final injections are narrowing in. Sam is increasingly weak and Jana is helping steady him when Abaddon arrives, meanwhile Kevin informs Dean and Castiel that none of Metatron's trials appear on the actual tablet and Naomi herself appears before them telling them Metatron's true plan and that Sam will die if he completes the trials.)

 _"Well you see her when you fall asleep_

 _but never to touch and never to keep_

 _cause you loved her too much and you dived too deep"_

Kevin, the kid prophet, gets kidnapped by Team Hell. Dean and Castiel go to Purgatory. _For a year_. And, Sam hits a dog. Sam hits a dog, and meets a girl, and gets all... _domestic_. Lucky him. Jana spends the entire year tearing the United States apart. But, no monster, no demon can tell her where her boys had gone. Even more concerning, not a peep out of Crowley, therefore no news on Kevin. And, she looks, of course she looks, but all trails go cold and she spends her nights wondering where the hell everything went wrong. _How the hell is she gonna get her angel back?_

Then one day she gets a call, from Dean. _Dean._ He's out, from _Purgatory_ no less. But, he doesn't answer when she asks about the angel. She drives straight through the night to meet him at the cabin, where she finds him with Sam. Didn't he have a girl waiting on him back home? The tension is so thick she could cut it with a knife, Dean clearly isn't pleased with his reason for abandoning him. Jana isn't either, but she's a little more concerned about her blue eyed angel and why the hell he isn't there.

 _Cas didn't make it_ , Dean says. _Didn't make it_. She doesn't hear anything after that. Castiel was still in Purgatory. _Dean left him in Purgatory._ Sheerly out of loyalty, Jana follows the Winchesters on the next several cases, they rejoin with Kevin, but she isn't all there. She hears them and she sees them but her mind wanders back to the endless forest that Dean told her of. Of teeth and hands, of an innumerable army of monsters in that immeasurable forest, all of them after her angel.

When Castiel returns he's _her Cas_ again, mostly at least. He remembers everything, as if being sent to Purgatory reset him. But, still there's something _off_. Something about the way he zones out, about the way he seems to be keeping something from them. Jana can tell that something is wrong, but it isn't until he kills Samandriel that she realizes just how wrong.

She should have seen it coming, with the hesitation, the lies, the inconvienient disappearing. But, none of them are ready for the turn of events when they finally find the angel tablet. Castiel's dead, unfeeling eyes when they he flings Jana so hard he knocks her unconsious and turns on Dean at command. His ears deaf, unhearing. His eyes hollow. _We're family. We need you, I need you._ He beats Dean bloody before he whatever's come over him cracks. They don't know who Naomi is, but they're thankful that Castiel's connection to them is stronger than whatever she'd held over him.

The angel runs. With nothing more than an apology, as he heals Dean and a sideways glance at the woman he's abandoning once again, angel tablet in hand. Castiel wonders where the hell this road ends, if it ends at all. Is this his eternity? Always running, hunted, constantly betraying those he holds most dear. Is this what the future holds for him.

Through endless Biggerson's restaurants and coffee mug after coffee mug, Castiel replays it all in his mind. His grace pulsing, a surge so strong it knocks Jana back, her skull colliding with the wall, rendering her unconsious. His fists slamming into Dean's face. He could have killed them, Naomi wanted him to kill them.

Cas stares down at the porcelein in his hands, Dean's pleading ringing in his ears, the image of Jana lying motionless on the ground. He can feel his brethern coming and is gone with a flutter of his wings moments before the angels on his tale appear, leaving only the coffee mug as evidence he was ever there at all.

In Castiel's absence none of them know what to do, so they do the only thing they can think to do: hunt. Kevin discovers something big, how to close the gates of hell. They go through the trials, because that's the Winchester way, always making sacrifices for the sake of mankind. Jana isn't blood, but _God_ does she know sacrifice. She wishes she'd done it in Sam's stead, but she has a feeling it had to be one of them. That this is a mission only a Winchester is designed to withstand.

It's a sick system and by God if they all don't know it. Because Jana is tired, and Dean is tired, and Sam is _tired._ She looks at them and sees only the husks of the boys she knew. She remembers the good times. The long drives, the shitty motel rooms, Dean's music blaring on the radio, the practical jokes, the diner food. Remembers when vampires, werewolves, and ghosts were day in and day out. She remembers when Pagan gods where something they faced with caution, remembers a time when demons were the hardest thing they'd been up against, and the closest they'd come to angels was a ghost priest convinced he was one.

Now she looks and them, in the front seat of the Impala, worn, weary, and jaded. And she knows that they want this all to be over. She doesn't blame them. There are days, when evil goes quiet and it's just them, that she wishes they could be like other people. She's in her thirties now and she sees people her age, with husbands, with families. She wants that too. But, she knows that no man will ever hold a candle to the blue eyed angel she loved first.

No matter how big their house, how nice their cars, how well behaved their children, nothing could compare to the times in the back seat of Dean's car, blazing down the highway, belting classic rock at the top of their lungs. To those nights back at Bobby's. Her, Bobby, Sam, and Dean laughing over a of couple beers. Castiel beside her, head tilted in that cute trademark action that signifies he doesn't understand their references. She leans over and tells him plainly and then that little, barely there, smile spreads across his lips and his eyes start to crinkle. No amount of normality, no average, everyday, apple-pie lifestyle could compare to those moments.

Jana is given another chance to relive those moments. Castiel comes to them asking for help. Though bloodied and injured, he _came back_ , and she'll be damned if she doesn't take that. Things are rocky, Dean still bitter at Cas for not trusting them with the angel tablet, but Castiel is back and he appears to be himself. _Her_ Cas, the Cas he hadn't been since moments before taking on Sammy's hell. This is _her Castiel, her angel_.

She sits beside him as they watch a film on the projector, a unique exorcism of a priest attempting to cure a demon, though it doesn't go as planned. She holds his hand discreetly under the table, partly out of comfort and partly out of fear. This is the final trial, who knows what price they'll pay trying to finish this.

Her hand is warm in his and _God_ does it feel good, just her fingers laced with his. He shouldn't even be able to feel these things, but it's there, this constant thrumming in his mind that always brings him back to her. But, Castiel can't afford things like affection, like love. It would be too distracting, too dangerous. After all he breaks everything he touches. Every wrong he tries to right, he only makes worse. He could never selfishly endanger Jana, not when the only things guiding him are some kind of aching fondness and misplaced longing. Instead Castiel steels himself, disregards the moments their eyes meet, but he doesn't let go of her hand.

He wants to help, but Dean is still sore, so he benches him on the pretense that the angel should take some time to heal. Jana wants to stay with him, she does. But, this is the final trial and she can sense that Sam is going to be giving more than they bargained for in exchange for slamming the gates to hell. So she chalks it up to reasoning and promises herself they'll be together when all of this is over, that she'll tell him what she's sure he already knows and maybe, just maybe, the angel will return her long-held admiration.

Meeting Metatron is not on Castiel's list when he leaves the bunker and goes to a local gas station, gathering provisions to get back in Dean's good books. But, the angel tells him of a way to close the gates of Heaven, and Castiel grasps at the potential of fixing everything he broke and so he doesn't go back to the bunker. So when Sam, Dean, and Jana return to the bunker though, her angel is gone once again, but she isn't able to mourn over it because they discover the details of how to cure a demon and decide to test it out on a whim, on Abaddon no less. But, before they can even begin Crowley let's them know with a courtesy call that all the people they'd ever saved are dying. And, they try to save them, _they do_. But, they reason that slamming the gates to the pit will right this, no matter the cost. Jana doesn't really believe that anymore.

When they met Cas again he's in cahoots with a new angel _Metatron_ , he says. He tells them there's a way to close the gates to heaven. But, that means all the angels go back, including himself. Castiel locked up with the ones he'd rebelled, fought against, _betrayed_. Angels weren't like them, they'd kill him. Jana protests, but this is his mission now.

As Dean watches over Kevin, he tries to make her see that what he's doing is right, but all she knows is that she'll never see him again. She tells him he can't take that, tells him she can't let him sign his life over, tells him that she- Jana pauses, eyes cast downward as she tells him that she loves him.

In that moment Castiel could have given it all up. Heaven, the angels, this mission, everything unnatural. He could have ripped out his grace, like Anna, and lived as a human with her. Been happy, with her. But, that guilt gnawing at his gut would never allow it. He'd torn the whole plan to shreds, destoryed Heaven, turned brother against brother, massacred hundreds. He had to make things right.

So Castiel brushes his thumbs over Jana's cheeks, taking her face in his hands before he kisses her. Gentle, sweet, but still with all the passion he'd felt for _so long._ Lets her card her fingers through his hair and cling to him, lets one arm tighten around her waist, lets himself get lost in her just this one time. If this all goes as planned, he may never see her again. So, he throws all his inhibitions out the window and for that one moment, he feels at peace.

Jana is good, and kind, and fair, and wonderful. She is everything that he fought for all this time, even if he could never be with her. If he closes to gates to Heaven, no angel may leave, no angel may restart the apocolypse. Sam and Dean will close the gates of hell. There will be no angels, no demons. The three of them will all move on to normal lives. She will move on, she will forget him, she will _survive_. So he kisses her and he revels in that. That she may one day settle down and be happy and have a future, but it won't be with him. And that's fine, because at least she'll be _alive_.

When the part, there are tears in her eyes. Tears, he wipes away with his thumbs and sobs, he hushes. Jana tells him that she understands, that she doesn't support it, but she knows it's what's right and that she forgives him. For everything that he'd ever done and for what he's going to do. "I just can't believe I'll never see you again." She cries and clings to him.

It's the first time, but it feels natural like he's a part of her and she doesn't want to let him go. Castiel feels the same, holding her is second nature, he almost can't believe he'll likely never do it again. They don't hear Dean coming around the corner, but when he clears his throat they reluctantly pull apart. He suggests they leave Kevin alone to decipher the angel tablet.

Outside, Jana hugs Castiel before they get into the Impala, informing them she isn't coming. She isn't going to help Cas lock himself away and Dean will be with him. And, she's worried about Sam, she doesn't think he should be going this alone. So she holds the angel in her arms, not caring that Dean is right next to them when she kisses him again. "I love you." She reminds him and he says it back without hesitation.

Jana watches the Impala go, Castiel's eyes nevering leaving hers, until the black vehicle is out of her field of vision. She gets into her own Camaro and heads back to the church where Sam is holding the final trial. It's hard watching the ever clever and untouchable Crowley become twisted into a human, but it's even harder watching how weak Sam becomes as the final injections narrow in.

There isn't much time before the final few injections, when the ground begins to quake, the entire church shaking and the floorboards splitting, affecting destroying the Devil's Trap holding Crowley. Though he remains chained, as Abaddon casts open the doors, strolling in easy. After a few exchanged sententences between the demons, Sam moves for his gun, but is effectively stopped by the Knight of Hell before he can shoot her.

Castiel and Dean sit at a bar awaiting a Cherub, the next _ingredient_ to closing the gates to Heaven. Something feels wrong, as he and Dean discuss the possiblity of him receiving death as a punishment. Something feels wrong, but the angel doesn't know what. He isn't given time to dwell on it though, as the side door opens to reveal a woman, apparently there with a delivery.

The blast of Abaddon's power sends both Jana and Sam flying, the latter cast directly through the side window of the church. Already weak from the trials, Sam is temporarily incapacitated, leaving her standing alone in the church with the two demons. She draws the angel blade she'd picked up for the years, praying it will be enough to kill Abaddon, but in an instant the demon is in front of her, blasting her back with power stronger than any other demon they'd encountered.

Jana collapses back against the cracked floorboards, scrambling toward Sam's duffle bag in search of another weapon when suddenly Abaddon is behind her. There's this pain blinding and crippling for an instant. She doesn't realize at first, even as she glances down at sharp end of her discarded angel blade peering out through her abdomin, that she's been stabbed.

Abaddon jerks the blade out of her back, above the hilus of the kidney. The movement disrupts Jana's balance, bringing her to her knees. She covers the wound with her hands instinctively, but the stab effectively severed a number of anterior branches. At this rate she'd bleed out half an hour.

"You'd be a lovely suit." Abaddon comments, admiring the dying girl before Crowley begins speaking. Jana can't really hear them, after the inital puncture there'd been no pain at all, her body going into shock immediatley. But a dull throbbing begins at the wound site, growing in intensity as the two demons argue over something she can't understand.

Back at the bar Castiel stands up and follows the woman, as she leaves. She's the cupid, he realizes after the display inside. Dean follows him out, stopping him when he moves to attack first and ask questions later. It's the right decision though, because the Cupid gives up her bow willingly, longing to have Heaven restored.

Jana lies there on the dirty floor, the pain overtaking her senses and panic begins to set in. She tries to focus, keeping her hand on the wound, but she can feel the blood pooling on the floorboards around her, warm and wet around her back. _Where is Sammy? Is he okay?_

As he and Dean leave with the Cherub's bow, Castiel pauses. Unnoticed by the hunter exchanging words on the phone with Kevin, who tells them there are no such steps that involve Nephilim or a Cupid's bow. Behind them Naomi appears before them with the fluttering of wings. She tells them of deceit, of Metatron's lies, of his plan to cast all the angels out of Heaven, but worst of all she tells them price of closing the Gates to Hell. Sam will die.

Only a few feet from Jana, Abaddon kicks Crowley in the face, knocking him unconsious before pivoting to address her soon-to-be new vessel. But as she turns she's doused with some kind of oil, as Sam tries a set of matches, igniting the holy oil and sending her meatsuit up in flames. The demon smokes out in a panic, attempting initally to enter Jana, but her anti-possession tattoo keeps her out. That's when Sam notices her, as the Knight of Hell retreats through the broken window. Sam is drops to his knees beside her, his arm still glowing faintly from the effect of the trial, and presses the palm of his uninjured arm to the wound. _Shit, no, no._ Not Jana.

Castiel doesn't believe Naomi. After all, Naomi could lie, could twist the truth as she always has. She has to be tricking them, but Dean wants to hear her out. It all makes sense and Kevin can't confirm or deny what the angel had told them. In a panic Dean demands that Cas take them to his brother. Before Dean can enter the church, Castiel tells him that he isn't wrong, that he's going to fix Heaven, and then he's gone with a flap of his wings.

Dean opens the door to the old, abandoned church in time with Castiel arriving in Heaven. In the sterile, white room the angel finds Naomi dead, turning to find Metatron threatening him with an angel blade and he realizes _again_ that he'd been duped. But, he doesn't know at that point that it's going to cost him more than just the angels getting ejected from Heaven.

"Sammy!" The elder brother calls, bursting through the door to find the former huddled on the ground over a petite figure, his arm glowing with some kind of faint power as he holds a shirt to her wound. Dean knows in an instant that it's Jana. "What happened?!" He demands, joining his younger brother on the floor. By that point the pain has become unbearable, leading her in and out consciousness. Sam explains what'd happend as briefly as possible, asking after Castiel, who was nowhere to be seen. Dean calls for the angel, but he doesn't come.

Castiel can hear them, as Metatron explains his true plan. Dean's calling, Sam's pleading. _She's dying_. He struggles like wild to get free, to get to her, before Metatron cuts out his grace and suddenly he can't hear them anymore. The panic sets in, more intense, more _human_ than Castiel has ever felt it before, as Metatron speaks. "-I want you to live this new life to the fullest. Find a wife. Make babies. And when you die and your soul comes to Heaven, find me." But, all Castiel can think about as Metatron sends him back down to earth in a blinding flash of light, is _Jana_.

The angel doesn't come. In fact, no one does. Sam and Dean do their best to help her without causing further injury, realizing that Castiel isn't coming. There's nothing they can do, they know it now. Several of her major arteries are severed, not to mention the amount of internal bleeding, moving her would only cause her to exsanguinate faster. They're miles from any hospital and she'd been bleeding now for at least ten minutes. It would take an ambulance at least twenty to arrive here, if not longer. "We have to do something." Sam says his voice weak, terror setting in as Jana's color begins to pale drastically.

Her eyes blink feebly, hand lifting to lamely clutch at his wrist, all her strength gone. "Stay with us, sweetheart." Dean pleads. She coughs a weak chuckle in response to the pet name, eyebrows furrowing. "It's okay, guys." She tells them quietly, but Sam is shaking his head.

"A-and Cas?" Jana questions, voice small and fragile. The older brother shakes his head. " _It's okay_." She repeats, this time she coughs and she can taste blood in her mouth. "No," Dean demands, head shaking. "Cas is gonna come and he'll fix you right up, okay?" She starts to shake her head. "Guys, I dy-" Dean cuts her off, "Now you listen here," he says, voice raw with emotion, "You are gonna be fine. When he gets here he's gonna heal you, and you two can go back to making out behind our backs." She means to laugh, but she's _so damn tired_ , so she only manages to smile. She'd like that, she thinks as their faces blur out again.

"Hey stay with us, Jana." Sam chokes. She wants to, she really wants to, but her eyelids or so heavy. So she rests her eyes, _just for a second_ , she thinks as the whole world goes dark. This time she doesn't come to again.

Castiel wakes up in some unknown forest and for an instant he thinks he's back in purgatory, he sits up in confusion. His memories come flooding back, the bar, the church, heaven, Metatron, _Jana_. He hurries to his feet and begins running, he has no idea where he is, but he has to find a phone. _He has to get to Jana._

She's gone. Sam shakes his head, glowing arm stinging harshly, as he stands up in a burst of fury. Dean remains slouched beside Jana's unmoving, unbreathing form. Sam paces angrily, agony and denial in his wake. He turns on Crowley, who'd been consious for a short while, but couldn't escape because of the chains. "Bring her back!" He demands.

Dazed, Dean turns to look at them and Crowley is shaking his head. "I can't." He says in his thick accent. Sam kicks over the table, knocking it and his duffle to the ground. "I'm making a deal! _Bring her back_!" Sam yells, but the demon only sighs. "I can't!" repeats Crowley. "You're the fucking King of Hell!" The demon struggles in his change raising his voice as well, "I'm practically human at the moment!"

Sam turns to the objects, picking up the needle from the ground and drawing another bout of blood for an injection. Dean gets to his feet as his brother approaches the demon with determination, effectively stopping him. "What are you doing?" The young brother attempts to side step him, "Finishing this!"

Dean launches in on how Metatron lied, that he'd die if he completes the trials. They launch into a long arguement, a huge life or death bonding moment with Sam's life hanging in the balance. Dean can't lose his brother. Cas is gone again, _Jana is dead_ , and he can't lose Sammy too. Sam knows that, but he also knows that his life is not more important than all the lives that have been lost and will be lost at the hands of demons. They argue the their relationship, and their flaws, the good, the bad, and all the crap in between. But, Dean talks him down because _there is nothing, past or present that he would put in front of family._

As Deans carefully places Jana's limp form in the back seat, as Sam makes his way toward the Impala. Just feet from the door he's suddenly hit with unimaginable pain. Dean scrambles to his brother, calling for Cas again with no response. In the sky thousands of lights flare, lighting up like falling stars and shooting across the sky. In the forest, Castiel slows his running, looking at the thousands of lights falling through the night sky. The angels are falling, just as Naomi said.

When Castiel is finally able to reach Dean the first thing he asks after is Jana, but Dean dodges the question, makes him answer all of his own first. He explains what happened, that he's human, where he is, but the question of her still remains unaddressed as Dean updates him on the condition of Sam and tells him where to meet him. "Dean... Where is Jana?" He interrupts, dread settling inside him.

"Cas, listen. You should probably wai-" He cuts Dean off, "Where is she, Dean?" He repeats, voice frantic. Dean becomes quiet, pausing before finally breaking the news. "Jana didn't make it, Cas. I'm so sorry, there was nothing we could do. Abaddon sho-" He doesn't hear more than that, slumping against the wall next to the phone booth. His breath coming in small paniced gasps. Castiel cries, he can't recall if he'd ever done it before, but he can't recall much of anything aside from her in that instant. His heart, clenching, aching, _human_ is so filled with grief that he can't focus. She's dead. _Dead_.

Months after the angels fall and Castiel is still human. Human and _alone_. It'd been hard in the beginning, even harder when Dean had asked him to leave the bunker, but hardest whenever he recalled Jana. It'd been months, but the pain was still new, still raw, still fresh in his heart and his mind every time he remembered her.

At night he sleeps and when he sleeps he _dreams_. God, does he dream and all of them are about her. Every night he lives in a world where she's _alive_ and she's with him. And, her hands are soft when he holds them, like that time in the bunker. She kisses him often, all full of passion, and longing, and _love_. Jana says it freely, often so that he doesn't forget.

If he'd known Jana would be gone so soon, there's so much he'd have done, so much he'd have said. In his dreams Castiel relives all those years the way he wishes he had. When he doubts Heaven, he trusts her. When everything he knows is falling, she keeps him grounded. He let's her comfort him and offers her solace in return. He holds her hends. He tells her all the things he'd thought back then.

In his dreams they're sitting in the back seat of the Impala, Sam is complaining as she and Dean sing along loudy to a song that Cas doesn't know. Jana is smiling as she sings, leaning forward in the seat to ruffle Sam's long hair and he laughs in return, joining in. They're all happy in that moment, even with the Devil on their heels. Castiel looks at her like she's the sun, "You sing wonderfully." He hadn't told her that then, but he does in his dreams.

They're standing in the another terrible motel. Sam and Dean are loading their belongings into the car as Jana stands in the dim light of the bathroom, looking at herself in the mirror as she ties up her tangled hair. She's only slept a couple of hours. He comments that she appears tired and she laughs, turning to him as she speaks. "No kidding. I probably look like death warmed up." He hadn't told her then that he thinks she looks pretty even with the lack of beauty sleep, instead he merely tilts his head and comments she looks nothing like Death. In his dreams he touches her cheek and tells her that she looks beautiful.

Castiel dreams that she lies beside him, all curled up in his arms, and lets him hold her. They talk about their days, about the little things, and the future. It's all so _tangible_. Like she's really there with him, like when he wakes up she'll still be beside him. But, when he wakes up the spot beside him is as cold as when he fell asleep and she was never there at all.

Cas wonders when, if ever, he'll get his wings back. He longs to see her. He wonders if she's caught in the veil or if she'd made it to her Heaven before Heaven was left empty. He wonders if there's a future where they'll be together again. But, as a man, all he can do is hope and wish and _dream_. And, in his dreams he meets her there.


End file.
